This is to my friends, my very close friends (no names mention, im sure you know who you are).
Ever since i dont know when, this constant feeling of being left out and playing an insignificant part in this entire friendship had existed and unfortunately, multiplying inside me. There were many times i wanna give up, but those many times didnt happen because i couldnt bear to.
I cant deny the fact that i was disappointed, i was angry, i was jealous of how i see the way im being treated. Put it like ive been thinking too much or have been too sensitive, or that ive placed too high an expectation on you people. Nobody's to blame, no one's right or wrong because it takes two hands to clap.
3 years ago, things wasnt like that. Things were wonderful, almost close to perfection. I guess that as time passes by, people change. And people grow up differently, having different lifestyle and living for different goals. This is according to the individual and its hard to make every single person in the friendship to grow up the same way, the same route.
I guess this is the junction whereby our paths have to cross. Im not too sure what you people live for, but i can see that we live for different goals and purposes. Our interest starts to clash, our way of thinking starts to go on the opposite direction. Everything seems to go on their own seperate ways. I can proudly say, ive been trying to pull the bond close even though i knew pretty much that we live for different purposes and my effort isnt at all visible to most of you people because i play a super minor role in your life. And i appreciated your efforts for accomodating into mine, especially with my parent's strict curfew and regulations.
But it doesnt help much when only one party is trying. I know you have been trying too, but i guess it just wont work out well. There are times when i do things that aint very nice and make you people snigger and have things to talk about, but i believe all humans have flaws. Its not as if there arent things i dislike about you, but because you're my friend, i accept. Although there are times when things pile and start to accumulate, i can no longer accept the way some people do things, i start to talk about all the unhappy things i feel about you to other people, that doesnt mean i hate you, nor am i backstabbing you.
Im not trying to save my own ass and cover my butt by saying all these, trying to be nice, coming up with all sorts of excuses to cover for whatever misdeeds ive done. I am not. I am totally serious and honest with this. At this point of time, i dont think there's anything more to hide and pretend about.
You tell me that we should talk things out, to clear all doubts and misunderstandings and stop assuming things. But think about it, does it really help? When trashing things out face to face, are we being honest with ourselves, being honest with our words? Or, when everything is cleared and settled at this instance, will it stay clean and fresh forever? Think about it. I dont even receive any calls from you to talk things out. Then again, why cant i be the one to do so? As you can see, the problem now doesnt lie in me. Its your opinion of me, the matter is now what you label me as. You're the plaintiff, im the defendent. Shouldnt you be the one who institute this?
Humans, they tend to be stubborn and self-centered. They always think that they are right, they have sacrificed a lot, they have done a lot for others. Put myself in this scenerio. I think ive sacrificed a lot for this friendship, putting my life at risk, sneaking my ass out in the middle of the night to meet you people. Why do i do so? So that the bond will not drift too far apart. Do i really enjoy going out in the middle of the night and coming home at only 4 or 5am? I dont mind doing so, but that's not the desired lifestyle i yearn to have. And why am i doing so? Because all of you are like that. I cant expect the whole group to change their lifestyle because of me, so i sacrificed.
Yes, i think ive put in a lot in this, i think ive sacrificed a lot, and i also think that ive been treated like trash and my presence really at all that important. But this is all just what i feel, to you, i may not have been putting in a lot, i may not have been sacrificing a lot. You may not feel it. So, theres a disagreement. With that, i come to realise that ive been too shallow. Ive not seen things far away enough.
I somehow feel that many things couldnt be expressed in words. Many things i do not know. But ive been really jaded of it all, i just wanna escape. I thought as friends, if you really wanna salvage this because i have misunderstood your words and intention in some way or another, shouldnt you put in even more effort to stop me from leaving? But what i see things as now is that, you're more than glad to see me go. It hurts me even more.
Throughout these days, its has been like a living hell for me. I kept thinking about this, crying and sobbing over it. But who else bothers? Not any that i know of. Just think to yourself honestly, have you treated me like how a close friend should be treated like? If your answer is yes, then i guess my decision in leaving is right.
We all have our own part of story towards this friendship issue. That's because we all have our own point of views and judgement. Its so hard to tell who's right and who's wrong. That's where the story starts to deform and making it hard to link.
Im not saying goodbye, as in really goodbye. Im just not gonna put in anymore effort which i know will all just go to waste because nobody bothers. If one day, you people suddenly thought of me and decided to call me out, i'll be more than glad. But put this in mind, i dont blame, neither do i hate any of you. There is a certain amount of fate and affinity to bring people together. Im glad to have known you, glad to have you as my closest friends. Ive never regretted, and i never will. Call me up if there's things you wanna clarify or to clear up. Or things you wanna shoot me right smack in my face about. Im finally ready to face it.
* yours truly.
amber.ruoxuan\\twenty\
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20051987\\single\\operations analyst @ credit suisse\\friendster*
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